Ketchup is God's man juice
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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