I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
