she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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