You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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