last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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