I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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