is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
