That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
