my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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