I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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