Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
