You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
