I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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