My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
