When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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