I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
