Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
