90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
