i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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