I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Everclear isn't food dammit
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
