so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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