i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
