I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?