can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
