Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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