Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
