I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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