You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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