So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
