She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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