So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
