my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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