That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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