my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
