the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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