I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
