I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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