guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
