I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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