So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
