so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
This is my gift to your gina
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
