It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
