I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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