my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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