i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
