Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
