he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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