The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
