They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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