I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
