Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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