Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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