I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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