remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
