sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
