We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Drunk is a universal language darling
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