I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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