I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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