I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
