So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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