Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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