chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
