new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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