I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
