Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
