Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
